Dark Night of The Soul Rambling – When Nothing Feels Right

Dark Night of The Soul Rambling 01 – When Nothing Feels Right

You can read my entire Dark Night of The Soul story and how it got triggered, by clicking right here.

When does this stage end?

I thought I was on my way out of The Dark Night of The Soul, but wow it really knows how to pull you back in. I think I am in the phase of transitioning out of it, but sometimes this melancholic shadow just comes and grabs you back to its dense chamber, where the vibration just isn’t that high.

frustration

After going through all of this, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore and what I am capable of. Maybe it’s the time to start testing out some skills again and challenge myself? I’m just not sure if this is where I am. I feel my sensitivity has just bursted through the roof the last two weeks, and it’s making it really hard for me to function. Especially because I value a lot of my self worth, on my ability to connect with other people. I struggled a lot with social anxiety before, and so I feel like if that thing isn’t under control, my entire life is not in control, but what if it is all meant to not make sense and be totally out of control right now?

Why do I have to be so busy, organizing my entire life to perfection and to never feel a bad emotion? I guess I am just identifying way too much, with what is going on inside of me. Gosh, the emptiness is so strong these days. It’s mostly hypersensitivity which especially takes form in anxiety or it’s a deep melancholic emptiness, despair and dread of existence.

Am I just going crazy?

Sometimes I worry if this is a Dark Night of The Soul or if it’s just some sort of mental illness? Or maybe I am just thinking completely wrong of myself, maybe it’s just my self-image I need to work on. I truly feel like I’m losing my marbles some days. My self-worth is so low it’s like, I just don’t understand why. I am constantly thinking about what I am doing wrong. Why is my life not going smoothly.

going crazy

It seems like I am creating this entire bubble of problems as well. I feel so emotionally heavy and dumbed down. I’m wondering what makes this so heavy, what is the opposite of what I am feeling right now, and why am I not on the other side of the spectrum? Am I just focusing on the wrong things? Should I just do some Law of Attraction work and focus on the positivity? I’m not sure that’s the way to go either, because I also feel like I have to stumble through the darkness and feel how empty and suffocating it can be to be in the dark.

Seeking external satisfaction for a moment

I believe today is one of those days, where I sought social contact with my family, to get away from myself, and maybe this gives me some sort of karma thing, because I should actually be facing the shadow and darkness alone. I need to do the inner work, I need to feel the emotions that come up, I guess that’s what I just have to do.

But that can be really hard, because I want to be assured and guaranteed, that it will bear fruit in the end. But I can’t be sure of anything in this world, I just have to go with what I feel I guess.

One of the most difficult things for me, is to face the emptiness and sit with it. I am so scared of that. My mind just wants to play around and be stimulated all the time. I begin to realize, how much I really identify with being a “doer”, someone who is always creating or doing something. It’s definitely a flee from the now.

Old habits surfacing

But what is it for me, that is so scary in the present moment? Why do I feel like fleeing it? One of the challenges here, is probably that I am going through a Dark Night of The Soul, and I can’t seem to find a meaning in the present moment, so I’d rather just get away from it. My mind wants to do all the bad stuff, that gets me absolutely nowhere in life, but out of the present moment, which is stuff like: Eating sugar, use nicotine pouches, drink alcohol, take drugs etc.

instant-gratification

Damn, I feel so lost. I used to be so good at living so healthy, and now everything is crumbling, I am so afraid of falling deep into a void of addiction, negative thoughts etc. I feel like I am close. It was like suddenly, all the bad habits just surfaced for me. All the bad habits I had got rid of a long time ago, swuuush suddenly they were present again, and this comes absolutely from the emptiness that I feel. The emptiness is so strong, especially right now. It’s a melancholic emptiness, a really challenging emotion to work with, I feel.

Walks at night

When that emotion of melancholic emptiness, I usually go for a walk at night, and just try to reconnect with source and let source give me some answers to my situation and current issues, sometimes it helps, I feel like I can get better “downloads” from the universe, if I am moving.